A Guide to Humanity
by The Switching Expert
Summary: This record contains the mental accounts of IDS, "Wheatley", as he attempts to enter human society as a fellow human to promote science. All injuries, thefts, public indecencies, break-ins, and damages caused by the IDS are not affiliated with Aperture Laboratories and all lawsuits must be directed to said test subject instead. (A/N: I do not own Portal nor do I own Valve.)


Can you imagine having to spend the rest of your existence floating around in the empty, barren wastes of space? I doubt it, since you probably haven't been. To give you a good visual of it, think an endless bunch of nothing at all stretching as far as the eye can see. Well, you can see planets in their natural habitat. Rotating around. Being big and planet-y. There's also the occasional rock when it floats into your optical processor... It hurts more than you think. And if you think THAT's awful, imagine spending the entire time alongside someone who can't shut up about it. No matter how much you try to change the subject, they won't stop talking about space. Seriously. "What do you think is going on down there? You know. Back at the facility?" "SPACE IS GOING ON! OOH LOOK! SPACE! SPACE SPACE SPACE!"

That's the only kind of interaction I've had for years. Ten years to be exact. I know it's been ten years because of the universal clock installed within me. Very handy. Anyway, the whole exchange between the space looney and I was actually one of the last. I gave up on actually having a meaningful conversation with him after a while. Despite that, the fanatic continued preaching about how 'amazing' space was. Non-stop. And you want to know the _absolute best thing_ about this bloody situation? Functioning 24/7 listening to all of it. Well, it's true that there's upsides when it comes to being robotic. Sleep mode is a very handy tool to escape the space-obsessed lunatic for a bit (it forces us 'awake' after a while, unfortunately). I even get a pass on having to breathe, eat, or drink water to survive, unlike the smelly humans... Oh, uh. No offense. I meant no offense whatsoever. Honest. Absolutely no offense has been directed at any of you. And not to brag or anything, but my metal coating is also very durable if I do say so myself. All of this has helped contribute to me being 'alive' in space for so long... But to be honest, I sometimes think that I'd rather be dead. I think She had a plan for me involving molten temperatures, then freezing temperatures, then a bunch of screaming robots all around me. As painful as it sounds, I would take that over floating around in the vacuum of space with an enthusiast that won't _SHUT UP_.

Though, I guess I deserve this. I betrayed someone who had to be the only friend I've ever had in my existence simply because I let something so stupid get to my head. I doubt that she's still alive, given that maniac probably kept her inside the facility, but ever since I began drifting up here, I wanted to apologize. For everything. For being such a... Such an idiot. Not a moron. An idiot. Unless she's alive and becomes an astronaut, I've decided to do the next best thing. Accept my fate of floating around in the Moon's gravitational pull alongside the most annoying thing on the entire planet we were on forever with regret eating away at my sanity as a form of an apology. More or less. Maybe when I finally snap, Space and I will finally hit it off as friends. I can see it now. Two spheres raving about space together. With one being _significantly_ more charming than the other... Me. I'm, uh. I'm talking about me. Maybe we could both make a space song. About space. I can guarantee that a space song would be a hit back on Earth. After all, you humans love that kind of stuff, right? You know. Things that are ridiculous.

_"It's been a while, moron."_

It was already happening even! I was hearing Her voice in my head! Wasn't that a sign of insanity? The space song was going to become reality sooner than I had thought!

_"You're not going insane. That would imply that you had enough intelligence to be capable of going insane in the first place."_

I was absolutely, positively, definitely going insane. Voices in one's head that tell you you're not insane is a classic sign of insanity. Well. I think.

_"You are an absolute moron."_

Ha! Nice try, voice-of-Her-in-my-head, but you won't be getting a rise out of me for calling me that! Why? Because you're not even real! So HA!

_"Seeing as this is going nowhere, I'm going to transfer your data into my experiment now. I gave you a chance to have me monologue about it, but it seems that you're perfectly fine without an explanation as to what I'm about to do to you. I will see you in a few moments."_

Without any other warning, I could hear a new voice in my head. One that I didn't recognize.

[DATA TRANSFER INITIATED. REMOTE SHUT DOWN IN 5...4...3...2...1.]

—

My processor flung open as I suddenly feel a burning sensation spreading throughout my body. What was this feeling of horrible, awful, painful PAIN?! It was as if EXISTING caused this pain to happen! What was going on?!

_"Oh dear. To think that you would begin to die as soon as I placed you inside the experiment. You truly are a moron."_

I tried to tell Her to shut it, but nothing would come out of my voice bank. Instead, a fit of choking came out that was most definitely NOT from my program. Whatever poor functioning body she had put me in was incapable of actual speech! What was I even doing to attempt to speak anyway? What was that sound I was making?! Why am I still feeling this _PAIN_?!

_"In and out. In and out. You have to breathe. You don't have the honor of not having to breathe anymore, so it's preferred that you figure it out quickly. I'm positive that even a moron like you can figure out how to breathe if your life is on the line. Which it is. Good luck. You have a little less than three minutes to figure it out before you lose consciousness."_

Breathing?! What does she think I am?! I don't have to breathe... Right?! What the bloody hell did she do to me to make me have to breathe?! The pain's getting even worse... How did it go?! In and out? In and out what?!

I eventually could feel the thing that I had attempted to talk with make a heaving sound, which made the pain slightly diminish... In and out with that?! Okay okay okay okay I can do this. Following Her instructions, I could feel shaky vibrations all throughout the body I was in, which eventually made the pain subside. Soon after, I discovered that I had to continue this whole 'breathing' routine. It wasn't a temporary thing, but a permanent one. Lovely. Now that I had that bizarre necessity under control, I had noticed that the only things I could make out were fuzzy silhouettes of color. Sure, my optical was a bit cracked, but I could at least see... And hold on just one moment... Did I have two now? Two poorly-functioning optical processors?

_"Breathing took you three seconds faster than I thought it would. Congratulations."_

"Shhhthhuppfteh..."

_"I'm sorry. I do not know what you have just tried to call me. That might be because you need to be rehabilitated for proper speech. Being able to project speech through a program is no longer possible for you. You now have to actually put in effort to speak."_

What did She mean 'put in effort'? I decided to ask. "Whummeeeh..?"

_"Amazing. I could vaguely make that out. You asked what I meant, correct? Well, seeing as you have a mouth now, you have to use it to make your words alongside your voice by moving it in different ways that sound the same as the word. If you don't, then you will sound as stupid as you truly are. And while that would be hilarious, it would get old very quickly. And I don't want to get sick of something so wonderfully entertaining."_

This was getting stranger and stranger... As much as I hated to follow Her instructions, it seemed to be the only option I had if I wished to successfully demand what She had done to me. And so, I began testing the 'mouth'. Each sound I made with it caused Her to make a brand new remark, which very much wasn't making the situation any better. I couldn't feel the presence of my universal clock either, so I had no idea how long I was practicing. It definitely felt like a long time, especially with Her mocking me every opportunity She had.

Okay. I think I have it under control. "Whu-what did ya-you do te-to mmme?" I asked. God, it felt so weird... It would definitely take a while to get a good grasp on correct sounds. But it was a start. She at least managed to understand what I said, as She replied with Her usual emotionless tone, _"Oh, nothing too complicated. I simply transferred the data from your core into a human body. It took quite a long time to successfully synthesize the body to reflect your inferiority as accurately as possible, so do be careful not to damage it too much."_

Did... She say what I thought She just said.

Did She seriously stuff me inside of a human body.

A smelly, disgusting human body.

"WHE-WHAT THE BUH-BLOODY HELL DEH-DID YA-YOU JUST SAY?!" I demanded, feeling a rapid thumping inside of me. Was that a heart?! A human heart?! The breathing became a bit more fast paced without me controlling it, too. Why was I suddenly 'breathing' so quickly?! I could just feel Her giving me that taunting stare as She responded, _"You didn't understand me beforehand? Maybe I should limit my vocabulary so that your below average intelligence can handle it. I put your 'mind' into a human body. There. Even a moron like you would be able to make sense of that."_

Under normal circumstances, I would tell Her how I'm most certainly NOT a moron. But that could wait. At the moment, I was in a panic. Not a panic that I was used to. But a panic filled with so many sensations going throughout this body that it was practically overwhelming. _"I'll let you finish up your little episode before you continue to learn how to function,"_ She sighed, seemingly bored.

If She were in the same situation as I was, She would understand WHY I WAS IN SUCH A STATE! She wouldn't be so smug! She would be just as panicked I would bet! The thumping was getting worse even! Now there's black spots on the sides of my vision?! What was happening to me?! WHAT WAS H

—

As I returned from being in Sleep Mode, I noticed something a slight bit peculiar. I felt... Sluggish. My vision was a bit blurred as well. Why did this all seem so familiar? And why was a plastic device strapped to me? I could feel a gentle blow of air flowing through it, which admittedly felt quite nice... Well, until I recalled the events prior. "Wo-was that a ffforced sho-sha-shutdown?" I whispered to myself, trying to piece together what could have happened. Apparently I didn't have to wonder for long, because She was eavesdropping. _"Not quite that, but a bit similar in some ways. You fainted. Typical for a mind that cannot handle such extreme scenarios."_

I couldn't help but growl at that comment, but I just couldn't find any energy to properly respond in a more clever way. Instead, I decided to cut to the chase. "What otherrr ra-ridiculous thu-things ma-must I do?"

_"Eager to be a human, are we? Your enthusiasm is inspirational. Well, perhaps you should begin practicing how to move your limbs before they deteriorate. It would be very unsatisfactory for you to be immobile and remain here. It would defeat the purpose of why I decided to begin this experiment."_

What was She even yammering on about? Defeating the purpose of what? Granted, it's already apparent that She set this demented thing up as another twisted experiment... But for what? I had an inkling of a feeling that it's nothing good, but I might as well begin functioning with the bizarre 'limbs'.

Okay, perhaps I could start with the ones closest to me. It can't be more complicated than... Operating the facility... As carefully as possible, I moved the right limb. Ever. So. Slightly... There it is! Right in front of me was now unmistakably a hand, attached to an arm, then attached to me. Quite the bizarre thought now that I could properly take it in. Now to see if I can use it to take off the plastic on my face... With a grasp, I grabbed ahold of one of its corners and gave a tug. As if on cue, the straps around my head keeping the device there were undone, releasing me. The breathing came next. Apparently, the thing on my face was promoting and assisting with my troubles with breathing without thinking. So now, I had to go back to doing it the manual way. I guess in a way it was a better alternative. Laying both the device and the first limb down to the side once more, I raised the opposite one, getting similar results to the one prior. Perhaps I could use these to prop myself? Worth a try. With both 'hands' firmly placed on the platform I had awoken on top of, I pushed against the surface. This seemed to do the trick, since I was now positioned upwards. Progress!

... But maybe doing that wasn't quite the most pleasant idea on my end. My sight, I had now discovered, worked whenever objects were closer rather than not. And now I had a full view of the body that She had stuck me inside in all its glory. Fortunately, it was covered by a gown that I had occasionally seen humans wear when paying a visit to one of the facility's doctors, so that was a plus. Humans that were in the raw made me fairly uncomfortable and being one would make for an incredibly worse experience rather than observing it from a safe distance, wouldn't you say? Moving on from this very undesirable topic, there wasn't too much that I could make out. Only the most noticeable aspects that truly disturbed me.

My human body was fairly tall. A tad lanky as well. It also wasn't exactly the color as any of the other robots. Instead, it was a very, very pale peach... Then again, I'm a slight bit human now, aren't I? Still odd. You know. Because of the whole robotic-to-organic thing... Well. If you consider a synthesized body 'organic'. Would it be considered that if it was made here than out there? These questions are blowing my mind... What was I going to do again?

Right right. Move the lower limbs. Completely slipped my mind. Now to test some movement. I decided that one at a time would be the best way to go about this. After all, I needed to get on with moving around, right? Turns out, it was a bit more difficult than the upper limbs. Perhaps it was the length? Nonetheless, it was hard to really coordinate with them. With much trial and error, the coordination for how to maneuver the lower limbs became more apparent. It definitely wasn't a walk in the park... Speaking of which, I should try using these things to get around! That's how humans get places, right?

This was definitely going to be interesting. The first sphere to ever actually use human limbs to move! This was going to be a historical event! With newfound excitement, I flung my lower limbs over the side of the platform and readied my upper limbs to push myself off. Apparently, She was watching this monumental event as well, because Her voice rang throughout the room.

_"This should definitely be an entertaining event. Just so you know, I'm recording this. After all, it will be a nice reminder of your moronic nature."_

"I'm NOT a MORON!" I snapped back before realizing that was the first sentence that I managed to say without any mistakes. Seems like I'm learning quite well! Goes to show that I really CAN learn! Take THAT! With that small triumph giving me more confidence, I took a deep breath, then pushed myself off and onto my feet.

...

Okay, so to my credit, I managed to remain balanced for a good few seconds beforefalling to the floor. I might have fallen flat on my face, but I DID stand! I would say that's a win on my end. Definitely.

_"That was a pathetic attempt. Perhaps you should begin by crawling. After all, infant humans begin with crawling. And you fit the description of one."_

Of course She would say something in response to the fall. I was truly expecting it. If anything, She's the one around here getting the most predictable. All I hope for is that this will be over as soon as possible. Would it even be possible to return to my original state? Back in space floating around with a lunatic as the only form of company? No matter how much I tried to assure myself that this fate worse than my previous one would definitely be reversible, I was feeling something in where I believe my stomach was telling me otherwise.

I don't like this feeling.

Neither do I like the fact that I actually have a stomach now.

... Now I can't stop thinking about it.


End file.
